To Belong, To Be At Home, In Me
When I went to Spain last fall, one of my desires was to create a sense of Hygge internally. Hygge is a Danish word I absolutely love. In my words, it means ‘a cozy, safe atmosphere for relational connection.’ I love, love, love creating spaces with this intention. I did it in my house externally (complete with candles, fur throws, lots of pillows, and trays on every soft surface for drinks, snacks, and, my favourite, THE ALMIGHTY DARK CHOCOLATE) so, why not internally? What better purpose than to create internal hygge while my external circumstances were so completely unpredictable?
What I didn’t know was there was a book, waiting for the right moment I was ready to read and consume it completely. It’s called Braving the Wilderness by Brene’ Brown. I didn’t know that the lack of feeling at home in myself was the place the triggers I’d been dealing with the first two months of my trip were coming from. (You can read about my journey in more detail in the previous postings.) However, like I said, you don’t know what you don’t know until you know it.
Here’s one of my favourite quotes from the book: “Being ourselves means sometimes having the courage to stand alone.” I ate it up.
Of course that’s what was happening!! My belonging muscle was steeling itself against all the old “just go hide” mentalities that inevitably got triggered again on such an adventure. My strongest desire to stand tall, strong, and loving in the midst of a hurricane of doubting, fearing energy, was emerging and with it my truest, most authentic self.
“Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness–an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.” — Brene’ Brown
To be alone, and feel anxiety that it might not ever end, is one of the most terrifying feelings. When I started simply looking at this feeling, sat with it, wondered what lie I was believing to cause this belief that I was alone, it started to dissipate, to shrink. As if it could not stand to be looked at, to be acknowledged. Because to steadily stare into it, I became stronger. I began to realise it was a figment of my imagination, a mirage of terrible, gaping darkness that actually did not hurt me. Only the thought of it hurt me. And so, if I am in me, and me in I, and only the thought of being alone forever was hurting me, than I could make a home there and defy the trembling of my body in the face of this fear. My eyes began to see light, to feel comfort in the presence of perfect enjoyment of my unique brilliance. I started to see other people beautiful always. I started to laugh without caring whether or not people saw me and didn’t get the joke. When I truly accepted me, unique, beautiful, curious, creative, bold, wise, brilliant, I was at home. I belong because I am.
Now.. in the present moment, after my first two months being back home, and feeling the feels of vulnerable re-ermersion, I sit here grateful. Today has been bliss! I even, unexpectedly decided to sell my house a few weeks ago. We can receive the new and wonderful when we let go of the old and complete. Yes, I’m moving forward, but I no longer need to run around finding a place to belong; looking busy, being stressed out, questioning if I’m doing the right thing. I am. By being me, feeling all my ups and downs, by asking for my external guidance to lead me, by surrendering to the unknown, taking risks when my internal voice nudges me to turn left or right; by enjoying this moment, this sunshine, this peace, I am at home. I belong in me. Healthy and free! And you can too. Let the chips fall where they may. Hygge away.