I’ve been compiling this post in my mind for awhile now. I think it’s time to put pen to paper. As I let October unfold, and began sharing with people my plans to come to Spain for an unknown amount of time, many of you, my friends, strangers, have asked me how I can do it? Why am I doing it? These are fair questions. I quit my job, left my house in the care of someone else, sold my guitar, my car, and many other personal belongings and took off on this grand adventure without really knowing “how” I was going to do it. This is a big commitment. So, what’s driving me? Am I crazy? No, haha, I’m not crazy. Just ready.
When I was a little girl, somewhere along the way I decided making other people happy, doing what they wanted, suggested, or expected, was what made me happy: aka, feel loved, accepted, valuable, etc. Over the last 5,6… maybe even 7 years, I’ve discovered this is a false illusion. The clues kept adding up to the same realization that something wasn’t quite right…. there was some sort of discord in my heart I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Yes, the broken hearts following my efforts at love were big red flags for me. After all, going into any relationship with the idea that if I can make this person happy they will love me, or visa versa: if they make me happy I will love them… totally does not work. I look back and remember the pain of these moments… and really, I’m glad, because if it wasn’t for these pains, I would not be half the woman I am today.
All I ever wanted to know what real love was. What was it to follow my heart, not my false illusions of truth/love like the one above? What was the yearning deep in my soul, body.. heart. What drove me to be the way I was, and still know something was really off… really really off.
Three years ago, I was up to my eye balls in confusion about myself, my life, and love. I dealt with this by being controlling, judgmental, and I had a trigger temper. One day at work I got a message from a friend asking me if I saw our friend, Dan, in the paper. My heart sunk clear to the floor. No, I hadn’t, but I knew.
The next week I sat in Dan’s funeral shaking with rage and grief of my loss and his. There were people judging him and his choice to quit this life, and I was furious about it. I knew he had a heart of gold, I knew he was eaten up with shame and guilt he wasn’t living the life he wanted. He felt out of control. He told me his dreams once. His heart for adventure and true love was written all over his face as he spoke to me of all he wanted in life. When he told me these things, my heart was so hard. I couldn’t hear him or myself until he was gone. I was angry he didn’t give himself another chance, I was angry I couldn’t give him another chance now either. In that moment I determined to give myself another chance. I didn’t know it at the time but I had given up on my heart as he had given up on his life. How much more of an injustice would it be to myself and him to continue the way I’d been going?
So, I dug my heals in and took the next chance I had to begin being honest with myself and choose the life my heart was yearning for. Make no mistake, it was messy. Very messy. I fought hard tho, I still do. Because my heart was dead, and now it is beginning to truly live! There is no turning back!
I remember another time I was so committed to a certain outcome. It was 16 years ago playing baseball at our friends house. What a gloriously hot day it was!! I was determined that day too! I was going to hit that ball, and get around those bases if it was the last thing I did!! I laugh now, what a tom boy I was. Still am really: you can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girl. Sure enough I hit the ball, got on 1st base. The whole team didn’t expect much from me… I was little. Barely 100 lbs, 5’3”. They were all mostly men and boys who were giants compared to me. This didn’t daunt me. A team mate hit a ground ball, and I knew this was my chance to surprise them. I ran like the wind!!! Before they knew what was up, I was heading to home base as fast as I could! I dove and slid to home base on my belly! Haha!!!! Safe!
I knew she was there somewhere all these years, waiting for me “to turn and reconcile” (Morning Light by Josh Garrels) …this girl who slid to home base on her belly against all odds.
So, that’s why I came to Spain. To follow my heart, to be all I can be, all I know I am: abundant, truthful, committed, joyful. This culture is to me more free than I’ve experienced. Why not? I get to live this life as I know it to the best I can and I want to discover all the potential within my purpose.
Here’s a quote from my journal last November 7, ’16:
“I ask for the surrender to what is, the love to keep on giving, the courage to reach for the best stars, the wisdom to ask for help, the people who best support me, and more of Your beautiful presence that provides me love, joy, and courage to live full out and make a difference in this world for you and me… and us!”
May you also join me on this journey to the heart of the matter!!
Hi there! This is a place you can support my journey to the heart of the matter. I intend to keep writing to you, coaching you, and posting my journey while walking with you in yours. Your contribution is always welcome! Support me however you feel led: good vibes, monetarily, prayers, love, peace, etc. I will freely focus on continuing my experiential research of humanity. Shalom!